Chris Webb's BI Blog

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OLAP Jokes

with 13 comments

With the cricket rained off we had nothing to waste our time with today at work, so Jon decided to challenge the rest of the team to come up with some OLAP jokes for my blog. Naturally Colin and I were up for the challenge and 50 (yes, 50) jokes later here are some of the best – although I thought a few were too risque to post and they were, of course, the funniest. If you aren’t a fan of puerile humour then now’s the time to stop reading…
 

Q: What does a calculated member have in common with a eunuch?

A: They both can’t have children

 

Q: Why couldn’t the hierarchy become a tightrope-walker?

A: It was unbalanced

 

Q: Why did [Year-Quarter-Month] beat Measures at an arm wrestle?

A: Because it was a strong hierarchy

 

Q: What does tired cube do?

A: Has a KPI

 

Q: Why did the dimension go to prison?

A: Because it was degenerate

 

A cube walks into a bar, pops himself on a bar stool and says "Whisky please".

"Double?" says the barman

"No thanks replies the cube "Just a measure"

 

A girl goes speed dating and after a run of duff prospects a dimension sits down opposite her and they engage in sprightly conversation. After the event is over, her friend asks "Did you get that dimension’s number? You two really seemed to hit it off"

"No" replies the girl "He was really deep at times – had a lot of levels – but you know parent-child dimensions, just too much of a mummy’s boy"

 

Q: Was the cube straight or gay?

A; Neither, it was BI.

 

Have you heard that the [Date Shipped] dimension is playing Hamlet at the National Theatre? It’s a role-playing dimension!

 

Q: What kind of a dimension is [Dictionary]?

A: A reference dimension

 

Q: What do pre-menstrual BI developers suffer from?

A: PTS

 

Q: How did the police catch the serial-killer query?

A: They used a Profiler

 

Did you know that Disney want to turn the Adventure Works cube into a multi-million dollar blockbuster movie? They’ve already optioned the MDX Script.

 

Q: What on earth was the cube trying to do when it set fire to its wallet?

A: It must have been trying to warm its cache.

 

Q: What’s the angriest MDX function?

A: Crossjoin

 

Q: What’s a dentist’s favourite MDX function?

A: Extract

 

Q: Why did the dimension take all day to take off its suit and put on a pair of jeans?

A: It was a slowly-changing dimension

 

Q: Why did the dimension keep itself to itself?

A: It was a private dimension.

 

Q: Why wasn’t the Level allowed in the fascist cube?

A: It was disabled

 

Q: What’s the porn director’s favourite MDX function?
A: BottomCount

 

Q: Why did the YTD calculation always finish last?

A: It always lagged too far back.

 

Q: Why were the other hierarchies frightened of Year-Week-Quarter?

A: It was unnatural

 

Q: Did you hear about the badger whose home wasn’t allowed in the subcube?

A: It was an arbitrary shaped set.

 

Q: Why was the MDX expression never able to get a date?

A: It was rank.

 

Q: What MDX function makes Previous Year Growth and Market Share blush?
A: StripCalculatedMembers

 

Q: How did the BI developer send his backed-up database to a colleague on the other side of London?

A: In a .cab file

 

Q: What do cellsets use to cut down trees?

A: Axes

 

Q: What did the cube leave on the floor when it fell over in the toilet?

A: A minidump

  

Q: What function would you use to retrieve [Product].[All].[Dried Fruit].[Raisins]?

A: CurrentMember

 

Q: Why did the cube have nothing to do after the meeting?

A: It had no actions

 

Q: Whilst walking through the MDX Script mountain range, why did the assignment not mind reports of a FREEZE on the peaks?

A: He was in a lower pass

 

UPDATE: if you think you can do better then leave your jokes in a comment. We tried to think of a prize for the best one but baulked at the idea of giving away something worth having and paying for the postage.

 

 

Written by Chris Webb

August 25, 2005 at 4:17 pm

Posted in Off-topic

13 Responses

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  1. Are you Tim Vine in disguise?471-9 now. Jones is whacking them about. And I\’m at home watching it! Yowza!!!

    Jamie

    August 26, 2005 at 3:26 pm

  2. Checkthis out dude. Its a "Facts" Page. you put in the name of the person you wanna know about and it\’ll tell you a random fact about them, usually quite funny.www.randomfactsabout.com

    Kevin

    January 13, 2006 at 1:02 am

  3. God this page is retarded.  Who the fuck comes up with this shit.  Some stupid shit this is.

    Justin

    March 27, 2006 at 3:25 pm

  4. Which game is the favourite
    Rubik CUBE

    Unknown

    March 30, 2006 at 8:15 am

  5. How about…
     
    Why did the cube not go to the party?
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Because the invite said "Be there or be square"
     
    I\’ll get my coat…..

    Jane

    May 25, 2006 at 8:10 pm

  6. William Shakespeare, OLAP Guru,
     
    wrote Measure for Measure…
     
    I\’ll get my scarf too……

    Jane

    May 25, 2006 at 8:11 pm

  7. In AS2K, the two cubes could not get physical in a date?
    They could date only virtually.

     

    Why dimensions are so unfaithful in SSAS2005?

    They can have many-to-many relationships.

    ajit

    February 18, 2007 at 6:05 am

  8. More for FP&A types reallyAre we ghouls? No we just like decomposing variances.

    John

    July 31, 2009 at 6:48 pm

  9. What did de BI guy have for de breakfast?

    ‘am an’ de eggs

    … I’ve already got my coat

    Nick

    December 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm

  10. What is the default member of the Gender dimension, that can be found in the “BI” cube that is nether gay nor straight?

    Unknown

    Christian

    January 2, 2012 at 7:40 pm

  11. [...] BottomCount() and BottomPercent() function (I’m always reminded of one of the old, old jokes here when I use the BottomCount() function…) do the opposite and return the bottom items in a set, but [...]

  12. […] infamous “An arbitrary shape of the sets is not allowed in the current context” error (I know a joke about that, […]

  13. […] infamous “An arbitrary shape of the sets is not allowed in the current context” error (I know a joke about that, […]


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